I am a Scared Child

Being outside the house has its toll on you. You get to know somebody. And then you start getting to know other people and people get to know you. Before you know it, you have social responsibilities and considerations. Things you can say and things you can’t say. Things you shouldn’t ever let anybody know.

The last few days were insane in Lebanon. The violent clashes that happened in Tripoli were the first that happen since I return to Beirut. True I do not live in Tripoli and I wasn’t there to witness any of it, but I am in the country. The sad part also was the fact that life resumed normally in Beirut. Some people didn’t even know something was happening in the North. This is how ignorant and resigned from politics we’ve become. I will admit that I am also sick and resigned of politics. But this doesn’t mean that I don’t follow remotely, vaguely, what is going on in the country.

Somewhere deep inside me, I always knew that the civil war never ended. Day after day, this becomes a certainty. The thing that I never knew was that I would feel one day that maybe I have the desire to try and end it myself. Nothing wrong with that, right? I am sick and tired of being scared and disgusted. I don’t want to walk into the vicious circle of political debate in Lebanon. I would like to propose a discourse that is higher in quality than the current sectarian discourse that governs every single decision taken in any alley in Lebanese cities. Sectarianism has brought us no good. But we want to know why people stick to their sects. And the question that we should ask ourselves is, what did I do to encourage people of the other sect to trust me? This trust building thing is going to take a very very long time. But it has to start somewhere. A single person, an MP or a minister who applies the same rules to everybody, who doesn’t favor a sect over another or a political opinion over another, who just wants to do good for the country for the sake of the country and because they love Lebanon and they simply want the best for Lebanon. Did we run out of people like that? Or maybe I should ask myself if all the people who are like that have already run out of Lebanon to other places where human beings are respected simply for the mini fact that they are human beings?

I am very sorry for myself and for my people. I am sorry for myself because the past two days were the days that I felt I live in a place that I know. This crazy gunfire deadly Lebanon is indeed my home. The strange calm place before that was not the Lebanon I know and I didn’t belong there. And then this thought scared me more. I have seen crazy people who declared on public TV stations that they don’t know how to live without war in Lebanon. Did I become one of them unconsciously? Do I link Lebanon to instability and chaos and fighting? Or is it this ego thing that I am happy when my bad expectations for my country are met and I can tell everyone, “I told you this shit was gonna happen”? Sometimes I feel pathetic. What I have  to say is, again, I am very sleepy before writing this so forgive me if I didn’t make any sense. Good Night & Good Luck.

Author: Niam

Filmmaker/Digital Nomad/Storyteller

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